Peace In My Madness

The last few months have been challenging for me, to say the least. To avoid going into too much detail, I have basically been riding a rollercoaster of emotions. While there have been feelings of joy, excitement, anticipation, satisfaction, success and peace, those have all been equally met with feelings of sadness, desperation, doubt, fear, unworthiness, and shame.

To put things simply, I'm human. I'm an imperfect person who has many faults and has gone the majority of her life trying to please others and feeling like a failure when I didn't. There has been a lot of soul-searching going on and as I continue to dig deep, I continue to learn more and more about myself and the person God has created me to be. I definitely don't have all my ducks in a row, but God is guiding me, loving me, and revealing Himself to me each and every day. Most importantly, I'm learning to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God, rather than man. Because let's face it, it makes no sense trying to please others when they are just as much a mess as I am.

With that being said, there have been moments - sometimes even days - where I have felt that God just wasn't listening to me and could care less about what I was feeling or going through. Many times I was mad at Him. There were times I yelled at Him. And, yes, there were times I even questioned my faith in Him. But my Father loves me too much to let me go that long without experiencing His presence....

As all of this was unfolding, I was still attending church whenever my work schedule allowed and well, I found that the more I wanted to walk away from God, the more He was drawing near to me. There was a particular Thursday evening when I was at Connect, my church's young adults group, that the worship team played a song called "This is Our God." I remember being overwhelmed with emotion as each word was sang and as I fell to my knees, I sobbed...and sobbed...and sobbed some more.

The following Sunday, guess what song the worship team played? "This is Our God." And the following Connect? And the next? "This is Our God."

After the third time, I remember telling God, "Okay, okay...I get it!" But He wasn't done making His point - He wanted me to have a tangible reminder. Ironically, the fourth time the song was being played, there were technical issues and we didn't have the words up on the screen to sing along to. So here comes one of the leaders with song sheets, one being the lyrics to "This is Our God."

To this day, when I read over the lyrics, I can't help but get goosebumps and whenever I doubt the nature of our God, I will remember this song.

From my heart to yours...I hope He is your God in times of good, bad and the unknown.

This is Our God

A refuge for the poor,
A shelter for the storm,
This is our God

He will wipe away your tears,
And return your wasted years,
This is our God

So call upon His name,
He is mighty to save,
This is our God

A father to the orphan,
A healer to the broken,
This is our God

He brings peace to your madness,
And comfort in our sadness,
This is our God

This is the one we have waited for,
This is the one we have waited for.
This is the one we have waited for,
Jesus, Lord and Savior...
This is our God

A fountain for the thirsty,
A lover for the lonely,
This is our God

He brings glory to the humble,
And crowns for the faithful,
This is our God

~Brooke